> > ***********************************************
> >> "These reviews come from the military....we're just not sure
> >> which country or which branch of service. These are actual lines
> >> from military performance appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency
> >> Reports)
> >>
> >> - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
> >> - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
> >> - A room temperature IQ.
> >> - Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
> >> together.
> >> - A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
> >> ignoramus.
> >> - A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
> >> - A prime candidate for natural deselection.
> >> - Bright as Alaska in December.
> >> - One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
> >> - Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
> >> - Fell out of the family tree.
> >> - The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
> >> coming.

> >> - Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
> >> - He's so dense, light bends around him.
> >> - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
> >> - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
> >> week.
> >> - If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
> >> - If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
> >> - It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
> >> - One neuron short of a synapse.
> >> - Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargles.
> >> - Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
> >> - The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
> >>
> >> ***********************************************
> >>
> >>
> >> >Bumper Stickers and One-liners
> >> >=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> >> >
> >> >I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
> >> >
> >> >Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> >> >
> >> >Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
> >> >
> >> >As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
> schools.
> >> >
> >> >Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
> >> >
> >> >Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
> >> >
> >> >Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
> >> >
> >> >I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in
> >> >terror like the passengers in his car.
> >> >
> >> >Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
> >> >
> >> >The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> >> >
> >> >I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
> >> >vegetarian.
> >> >
> >> >Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
> >> >
> >> >When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
> >> >IRS.
> >> >
> >> >I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
> >> >
> >> >Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
> >> >
> >> >Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
> >> >
> >> >If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
> >> >
> >> >Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
> >> >
> >> >Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
> >> >
> >> >Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
> >> >
> >> >Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
> >> >
> >> >We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
> >> >
> >> >Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
> >> >
> >> >He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
> >> >
> >> >Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
> >> >
> >> >Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
> >> >
> >> >Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
> >> >
> >> >Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
> >> >
> >> >Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
> happy.
> >> >
> >> >Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
> >> >
> >> >i souport publik edekasion
> >> >
> >> >Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
> >> >
> >> >Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find
> a
> >> >big enough rock.
> >> >
> >> >2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
> >> >
> >> >I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
> >> >particles.
> >> >
> >> >There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
> can't.
> >> >
> >> >We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
> >> >
> >> >Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?
> >> >
> >> >I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
> >> >
> >> >Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
> >> >
> >> >Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
> >> >
> >
> >
> >
> >>Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
> >> >
> >> >He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
> >> >
> >> >She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
> >> >
> >> >You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
> >> >misquoted, then used against you.
> >> >
> >> >I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
> >> >
> >> >Honk if you love peace and quiet.
> >> >
> >> >Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
> >> >
> >> >Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
> >> >popular?
> >> >
> >> >Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
> >> >
> >> >A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
> >>
(2) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
Death Row
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love
dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

     Things you should never say to a cop if you get pulled over......

--Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
--And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
--Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
--That uniform makes your ass look really big.
--Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
--I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
--You don't happen to have any beer in your car, do you?
--"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
--You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
--"Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."
--"Lets do it differently this time . . . I'll give YOU the breathalizer test. Now stick
      this in your mouth and blow"
--Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
--I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
--Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
--I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
--So, uh, you on the take, or what?
--Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
--Gee,officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
--"Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
--Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as one of us does.
--I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's
    how far they are ahead of me.
--So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun
    when you were little?
--Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No, I am not turning it down, I love this song.
     Either speak up or just leave me alone.
--What do you mean 'have I been drinking?' You're the trained specialist.
--Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
    got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of
    control.
--Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
---Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
 

The Proctologist
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . On the road again . ." The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
 

Barbie Gets Even
Dear Sir,
Listen, you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy oversized sweatshirt.  I'm sick
   of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?
   Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your
   butt?
2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white. What bonehead
   at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It
   looks like cellulite!
3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-
   out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm
   gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once
   he is anatomically correct.
5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it
   done.
6.  A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.
7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How about a
   systems analyst?  Or better yet, a web master! (Preferably using Netscape
   software...)
8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
    container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal
    Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
    handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
    equipped with several packs of gum.
9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it. Ok, Mr. CEO,
    that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these
    requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo
    doll for next Christmas.  It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
 

A door-to-door salesman calls a house and a little boy answers the phone whispering "Hello?" "Yes" the salesman says, "May I speak to your Mother?"
"No" says the boy still whispering "She is busy" "OK may I speak to your Father" "No, he's busy too." "Well is there anybody else there?" asks the salesman "Yes." the boy whispers, "There are 5 cops and 15 firemen." "Well son, let me speak to
one of the cops. "I can't", says the boy, "they are all busy." "Ok, how about one of the firemen ?" "No" the boy whispers, "they are all busy." "What the hell are they doing?" asks the salesman "Well", the boy whispers "right now they're looking for  me."

+++++++++++++

Newly Weds
Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. The groom says, "Honey, I've got a secret to tell you...I'm addicted to golf!  I have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night.  I don't know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there!" "That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a secret too...I'm a hooker!" "No big deal!" replied the groom, "Loosen your grip, and open the club face - that should straighten out the problem!"
(3) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein can Improve his image :
 

10.  Three words:  Adopt a kitty.
9.  Join the cast of MTV's "The Real World:  Baghdad".
8.  Instead of using terrorism to get his way, try saying "please".
7.  Auction off his mustache on QVC.
6.  Start marketing adorable "Tickle Me Saddam" doll.
5.  Replace military beret with one of those hats with two beer cans attached to it.
4.  Star in new situation comedy "Dharma and Greg and Saddam".
3.  Do one of those cute milk mustache ads.
2.  Deliver military orders with sock puppet -- pretend he's the crazy one.
1.  Change last name to Hus-Seinfeld.
(4) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.  St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.  St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"  The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!  It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"  The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"  The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes,   "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
 
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.  Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.  He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."  St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.  The third blonde continues,
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"

They argued for quite awhile, in fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look!  They spelled MACYS wrong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Age and Womanhood
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
 2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
 3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored,
     breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
 4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has
     points of interest.
 5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who
     gives a damn.
 
 Age and Manhood
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
 2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
 3. Over 47: Try weakly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
     The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife,
"Dear, there is something that I must ask you.  It has always bothered me that  our 10th child never quite looked  like the rest of our children.
Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away.
But, I must  know.  Did he  have a different father?"
     The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye.  She paused for a moment, then she said, "Yes, yes he did."
     The old man was shaken.  The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.
     With a tear in his eye, his asked, "Who?, Who was he?  Who was the father?"
     Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.
     Then, finally, she says, "You".
(5) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]

 1. The 2 most common elements in
the universe are hydrogen and
 stupidity.
 2. If at first you don't
succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 3. Money can't buy happiness. But it
sure makes misery easier to
 live with.
 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of
4 people are mentally ill. Check
 three friends. If they're OK, you're
it.
 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in

rats.
 9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
 10. If you are
given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
 11. COROLLARY: If you
are given a take-home test, you will forget where
 you live.
 12. The
trouble with doing something right the first time is that
 nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
 13. It may be that your sole purpose in
life is simply to serve as a
 warning to others.
 14. Sky's Law: You
can't fall off the floor.
 15. The average woman would rather have beauty
than brains, because
 the average man can see better than he can think.

17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
 where you
left them to where you can't find them.
 20. I just got lost in thought. It
was unfamiliar territory.
 21. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some
don't have film.
 23. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of
it.
 24. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 25. I
feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
 26. He's not
dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
 27. She's always late.
Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
 28. You have the right to remain
silent....Anything you say will be
 misquoted, then used against you.

29. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
 30. Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
 32. Despite the cost of living, have you
noticed how it remains so
 popular?
 33. Nothing is foolproof to a
sufficiently talented fool.
 34. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until
you find a rock.
 35. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

36. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
 37. Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
 38. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 39.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
 40. An agnostic is an
atheist that doesn't want to admit that he is an
 atheist because he is
afraid that if he does God will strike him dead.
(8) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
<< Doctor Visit >>

 >An old man had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he
 >           took his wife with him to help. When they got into the examining
 >room, the
 >           Doctor told the old man to take off his shirt.
 >
 >           The old man turned to the wife and shouted, "What did he say?"
 >and the wife
 >           got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" The old
 >man nodded and
 >           took his shirt off.
 >
 >           The Doctor then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that
 >he could have a
 >           better look down his throat.
 >
 >           The old man shouted, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear
 >and yelled,
 >           "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." The old man nodded and
 >tilted his
 >           head back.
 >
 >           When this was all over, the Doctor said, "OK, now all I need is a
 >urine sample,
 >           a stool sample and a semen sample.
 >
 >           The old man yelled, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear
 >and yelled, "The
 >           Doctor wants your underpants!"
(9) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
 their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
 transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if
 they were
 willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The
 doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that
even
 10%
 was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
as
 the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
 ahead
 and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
 transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the
 husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this
 they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
 Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband
 encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered
a
 healthy
 baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

 When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
(10) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
LITTLE LEROY AND THE BIKE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She
said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally
sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy

* End of letter-

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
* Start of letter-

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Leroy

* End of letter-

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and
tried
again.
* Start of letter-

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a
new bicycle.
Leroy
* End of letter-

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was
what his mother was really wanting, He crumpled up the letter threw it
in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered
about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and
really
considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a
Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around
not
knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to
walk
out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he
grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under
his bed and wrote this letter.
* Start of letter-

Jesus,

I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in
school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm
desperate.
I've got your mama if you ever want to see her again give me a bike.
You know who.
* End of letter-
(11) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
The teacher has given the class an assignment. He stresses the
 importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will
 be
 accepted except extreme illness, (doctor's note needed), or a death
 in
 the immediate family.

 A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual
 exhaustion,
 sir?"

 The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher

 responds with, "Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write
 with your other hand."

 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At

 the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting
 tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened
 his
 coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You
 have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
(12) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
"The Gift"
>
>
>A young man wanted to purchase a gift for a new sweetheart's
>birthday, and after careful consideration he decided
>that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic,
>but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
>younger sister, he went shopping and bought a pair of
>white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for
>herself.
>
>During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and
>the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the
>panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
>sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with
>the following note:
>
>"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit
>of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it
>wasn't for your sister, I would have chosen the longer
>ones with buttons, but she said the short ones are easier
>to remove.
>
>These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them
>from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the
>past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had
>her try yours on for me and she looked really nice in
>them.
>
>I wish I were there to put them on for you the first
>time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with
>them before I see you again.
>
>When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
>putting them away, as naturally they will be a little
>damp from wearing.
>
>Just think of how many times I will kiss them in the
>coming year. I hope you will wear them on our date this
>Friday. I would love to see you in them. All my love."
(13) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
>From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan.

A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has
$400+ monthly payments.  He and a friend go duck hunting and of
course all the lakes are frozen.  These two Atomic Brains go to the
lake with the guns, the dog, the beer  and of course the new
vehicle.  They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.  Now, they
want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,
something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large
enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and
land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole
drill.  Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.  Now these two Rocket
Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick
of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are
standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of
slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly
go up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light
this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.  Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and
the dog?  Yes, the dog:  A highly trained Black Lab used for
retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it,
the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and
captures the stick of  dynamite with the burning
40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.  The two men yell,
scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now.  The dog, cheered on,
keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black  Lab.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but
continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these two Nobel
Prize winners have gone insane.  He takes off to find  cover, (with
the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)....
under the brand new Cherokee.  BOOM !  Dog and Cherokee are blown to
bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole,
leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe
standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
their faces.  The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.  He had yet to
make the first of  those $400+ a month payments.

Dale P..............
(14) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
> >Some people tend to cover up the truth when they show up in public
 > with
 > >a black eye, broken arm, or using crutches, and then try to explain
 > what
 > >happened.  Elaborate stories are concocted, but nearly every time,
 > the
 > >truth comes out, sometimes quite soon and sometimes years later.
 > >One young man now confesses that several years ago he went to a
 > family
 > >reunion with extremely red ears and had a heck of a time trying to
 > >explain how it occurred, but he never did admit they were burned.
 > >Burned!  "How?",  was the natural question.  His ears had gotten
 > burned
 > >during one of those long, lazy weekends of nothing but football
 > watching
 > >& beer drinking.  "I was deeply engrossed in the game, and my wife
 > was
 > >ironing nearby.  She left the room, leaving the iron near the
 > telephone.
 > >The phone rang.  Keeping my eyes glued to the tv set , I grabbed the
 > hot
 > >iron and put it to my ear, thinking it was the phone.  So how did
 > both
 > >ears get burned?  "I hadn't anymore than hung up when the man called
 > >back."
 > >
 > >
 > >*************************************************************
 > >Then there was the young couple who had a terrific argument one
 > morning
 > >before leaving for work.  The wife couldn't get her dress zipped up
 > in
 > >back, so she backed up to her husband and motioned to her  zipper.
 > >I'll show you zipping, he thought, and brusquely whipped it up & down
 > >until it broke. He had to cut her out of her favorite dress, which
 > >didn't make her any happier with him.  They went their separate ways
 > to
 > >work, both boiling mad.  The wife did a slow burn all day.  When she
 > got
 > >home that evening, she walked through the garage and saw her husband
 > >under the car fixing something, with his legs sticking out.  She
 > decided
 > >her moment for revenge had come. She leaned over, grabbed his pants
 > >zipper, & whipped it up & down.  She then walked into the kitchen
 > where
 > >she found her husband standing. Sheepishly, she asked him who was
 > under
 > >their car and was told it was a neighbor who had come over to help
 > work
 > >on the car.
 > >The acutely embarrassed wife asked her husband to help explain to the
 > >neighbor and they returned to the garage.  When they asked the
 > neighbor
 > >to come out from under the car, he didn't respond.  When they dragged
 > >him out, he was unconscious and bleeding from slamming his head into
 > the
 > >underside of the car when he got zipped by surprise.
 > >
 > >
 > >Our story is not complete without telling of a man who could not give
 > a
 > >convincing explanation about his broken arm.  He kept muttering about
 > >trying to stick his arm through his car window that he thought was
 > down.
 > >That's the public version.  In private he confesses that it happened
 > >when his wife brought some potted plants inside that had been out on
 > the
 > >patio all day.  A garter snake had hidden in one of the pots and
 > later
 > >slithered out across the floor where the wife had spotted it.
 > >"I was in the bathtub when I heard her scream," he related.  "I
 > thought
 > >she was being murdered, so I jumped out to go help her & didn't even
 > >grab a towel.  When I ran into the living room, she yelled that a
 > snake
 > >was under the couch.  I got down on my hands & knees to look for it,
 > and
 > >my dog came up behind me and cold-nosed me. I guess I thought it was
 > the
 > >snake and I fainted.  My wife thought I'd had a heart attack and
 > called
 > >for an ambulance.  I was still groggy when it arrived, so the medics
 > >lifted me onto a stretcher.  When they were carrying me out, the
 > snake
 > >came out from under the couch and frightened one of the medics.  He
 > >dropped his end of the stretcher, and that's when I broke my arm.
(15) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
    Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary, she was young, sweet and polite.  One day while taking dictation she noticed his fly was opened.  When leaving the office she said, "Oh, Mr. smith, did you know that your barracks door was opened?"  He did not understand her remark.  Later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open, so he decided to have some fun with his new secretary.  Calling her in. He asked, "By the way  Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
      The secretary being quite witty replied, "Why, no, Mr. Smith, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffle bags."
(16) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
<< This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website
 by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The
 company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it
 down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of
 the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
 __________________________________________________________
 Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
 In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments
 to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the
 survey questions is not required, but the information will help us
 to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
 
 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
    First Name: ...............................................
    Initial: ........
    Last Name: ...............................................
    Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ...............................................
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
 
 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
      [_] F-14 Tomcat
      [_] F-15 Eagle
      [_] F-16 Falcon
      [_] F-117A Stealth
      [_] Classified
 
 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... / ......
 
 4. Serial Number: ..............................................
 
 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
      [_] Received as gift / aid package
      [_] Catalog showroom
      [_] Independent arms broker
      [_] Mail order
      [_] Discount store
      [_] Government surplus
      [_] Classified
 
 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
 product you have just purchased:
      [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
      [_] Store display
      [_] Espionage
      [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
      [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
      [_] Was attacked by one
 
 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
 decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
      [_] Style / appearance
      [_] Speed / maneuverability
      [_] Price / value
      [_] Comfort / convenience
      [_] Kickback / bribe
      [_] Recommended by salesperson
      [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
      [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
      [_] Backroom politics
      [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
 
 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
      [_] North America
      [_] Central / South America
      [_] Aircraft carrier
      [_] Europe
      [_] Middle East
      [_] Africa
      [_] Asia / Far East
      [_] Misc. Third World countries
      [_] Classified
 
 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
 purchase in the near future:
      [_] Color TV
      [_] VCR
      [_] ICBM
      [_] Killer Satellite
      [_] CD Player
      [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
      [_] Space Shuttle
      [_] Home Computer
      [_] Nuclear Weapon
 
 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
 (Check all that apply:)
      [_] Communist / Socialist
      [_] Terrorist
      [_] Crazed
      [_] Neutral
      [_] Democratic
      [_] Dictatorship
      [_] Corrupt
      [_] Primitive / Tribal
 
 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
      [_] Deficit spending
      [_] Cash
      [_] Suitcases of cocaine
      [_] Oil revenues
      [_] Personal check
      [_] Credit card
      [_] Ransom money
      [_] Traveler's check
 
 12. Your occupation:
      [_] Homemaker
      [_] Sales / marketing
      [_] Revolutionary
      [_] Clerical
      [_] Mercenary
      [_] Tyrant
      [_] Middle management
      [_] Eccentric billionaire
      [_] Defense Minister / General
      [_] Retired
      [_] Student
 
 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
 indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
 spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
      [_] Golf
      [_] Boating / sailing
      [_] Sabotage
      [_] Running / jogging
      [_] Propaganda / disinformation
      [_] Destabilization / overthrow
      [_] Default on loans
      [_] Gardening
      [_] Crafts
      [_] Black market / smuggling
      [_] Collectibles / collections
      [_] Watching sports on TV
      [_] Wines
      [_] Interrogation / torture
      [_] Household pets
      [_] Crushing rebellions
      [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
      [_] Fashion clothing
      [_] Border disputes
      [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
 
 Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
 answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
 Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
 receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
 governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
 
 Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
 
       McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
       Marketing Department
       Military Aerospace Division
       P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
  >>
(17) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
<<                       WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DEGREE MAKES
                       - Submitted by Amikam Raz
                   ------------------------------------
    For those scientifically inclined. To convert Celcius to Fahrenheit
    C x 9/5 + 32. Or Fahrenheit to Celcius   = F - 32 x 5/9
    For those humor inclined, have fun :)
 C    F
 --  --
 15   60   Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
 10   50   Miami residents turn on the heat.
 4    45   New Hampshire residents go to outdoor concerts.
 2    40   You can see your breath; Californians shiver
           uncontrollably;Minnesotans go swimming.
 1.5  35   Italian cars don't start.
 0.5  33   Swedes celebrate summer and hit the beaches topless
 0    32   Water freezes
 -1   30   You plan your vacation to Australia.
 -4   25   Ohio water freezes; Californians weep pitiably; Minnesotans
           eat ice cream; Canadians go swimming.
 -6   20   Politicians begin to talk about the homeless; New York City
           water freezes; Miami residents plan vacation further south.
 -10  15   French cars don't start; Cat insists on sleeping in your
           bed with you.
 -12  10   You need jumper cables to get the car going.
 -15   5   American cars don't start.
 -18   0   Alaskans put on T-Shirts.
 -23  -10  German cars don't start; Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
 -26  -15  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo;
           Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects;
           Miami residents cease to exist.
 -29  -20  Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you; Politicians
           actually do something about the homeless; Minnesotans shovel
           snow off roof; Japanese cars don't start.
 -32  -25  Too cold to think; You need jumper cables to get the driver
 going.
 -34  -30  You plan a two week hot bath; Swedish cars don't start.
 -38  -38  Californians disappear; Minnesotans button top button;
           Canadians put on sweaters; Scientests around the world
 celebrate
           sincee Fahrenheit and Celcius thermometers finally match.
 -45  -50  Congressional hot air freezes; Alaskans close the bathroom
 window.
           You car helps you plan your trip south (Or North if you love
           in the Southern Hemnisphere)
 -62  -80  Hell freezes over; Polar bears move south;
            Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
 -67  -90  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
 -68  -91  Life ceases. >>
(18) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
"A Dog Fight"
 
 The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race
 realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the world. One day they sat down and decided
to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
 whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
 world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

 The Russians found the biggest and meanest Doberman and
 Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest
 and meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest
 and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and
 gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after
 five years came up with the biggest and meanest dog the world
 had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches
 thick, and nobody could get near it.
 
 When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
 with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
 Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
 the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund
 came out of its cage and waddled over towards the Russian dog.
 The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged
the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite
 the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and
 consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left
 at all of the Russian dog.
 
 The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
 disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened.
 We had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiller females in the world and the biggest,
 meanest Siberian wolves."
 
 "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
 surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
 Dachshund."
(19) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
 COMPUTER ONE LINERS

 Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
 Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector.
 C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.
 Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
 My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
 Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
 Spelling checkers at maximum!  Fire!
 Never violate the Prime Directory!  C:\
 Stack Error:  Lost on a cluttered desk...
 Stack Overflow:  Too many pancakes...
 Capt'n!  The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
 C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
 ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
 How do I set my laser printer on stun?
 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
 '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
 According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
 It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
 RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
 Computers are only human.
 This time it will surely run.
 I just found the last bug.
 It's redundant!  It's redundant!     -R. E. Dundant
  The programmer's nat'l anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' - Weinberg, p. 152

 If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
 be the process of putting them in.  -Dykstra
 "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))  - Shakespeare."
 "Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
 Logic:  The art of being wrong with confidence...
 If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
 Maintenance-free:  When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
 Microwave:  Signal from a friendly micro...
 Nostalgia:  The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
 Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
 This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
 Todays assembler command :  EXOP   Execute Operator
 Justify my text?  I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
 Programming is an art form that fights back.
 Backups?  We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx  NO CARRIER
 My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
  To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
 Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
(20) [Top|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20]
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.